Fix My Marriage

When your marriage is in trouble, your first thought might well be “Who can I turn to for help?”  This is only human.  But your first thought should be, ’How can I fix my marriage’. The old adage “It takes two to tango” is apropos here.  Perhaps the following questions and suggestions will help bring a successful conclusion to your dilemma.

The first question you should ask yourself is, ‘Is my marriage worth saving?’  This requires that you remember why you got married in the first place.   What were your expectations, dreams and your hopes for the future?  Looking back on your life together, can you see where your relationship got off track?  Can you identify the cause?  If so, you are already one step closer to a solution.

Marital relationships are difficult; there is no question about that.  They always have a lot of bumps and rough spots. Sometimes events can cause wounds that will never heal with a simple bandage; in these cases, it might take major surgery.  It will certainly take a concentrated effort to save your marriage.  That doesn’t mean it is impossible, just more difficult.

Keep repeating to yourself, “I must fix my marriage”.  In your quest for solutions, you might compare it to a physical illness.  When you have a medical problem, you go to the doctor and tell him your symptoms.  He can treat the symptoms, but to affect a lasting cure, he must determine the cause.  He will most likely suggest changes in diet, habits, and/or lifestyle.

This is also true of marriage.  You have to treat the symptoms and find the causes of your problems. You must work on healing the symptoms of your relationship problems and then eliminate the causes so the same problems don’t recur.

Sometimes, marital problems are caused by outside influences.  If so, you may require the help of a professional to fix your marriage.  Most likely, though, the problems are caused by one (or both) of you, and you must take action to change the causes of the problems. No matter who is creating the problem, it must be addressed jointly.

Be calm and realize the smart path to a solution is to be organized in your approach.  Make a list of the problems, the cause, and what actions must be taken to solve the problem and ensure a positive outcome.

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You have made your list, now have your partner make a separate list and then have a quiet conversation and discuss both lists. You should both ask “What can I do to fix my marriage? “.  Then, jointly decide what each can do, and begin working on each necessary change.  Take time each day to discuss your progress.  Of course, this assumes your partner is a willing participant in saving what you have together.

If your partner thinks he/she is the “wronged” party, has an unforgiving spirit, and/or refuses to seek a solution, then you must go to “Plan B” to convince your spouse to remain in the marriage.

Tell your partner “I am determined to fix my marriage”.   Show them your list of things you will do to help improve the situation between you.  If they believe you are serious, and are honestly working to make things better, then perhaps your spouse will prepare his/her own list, and be willing to participate in resolving the problem.

When you make your plan of action, you should also make a list of all the reasons to salvage your marriage. Draw up a balance sheet of assets and liabilities. Discuss it with your partner if they are willing to talk about it.

When you are sincerely trying to ‘fix my marriage’ (as you have declared), and your partner still refuses to discuss your joint problems, find an unbiased third party who will intercede.  Perhaps your clergyman or a close friend he/she respects and will listen to. Ask them to go over the balance sheet on your marriage with your mate.

If either of you have seriously erred or the partner is unable to forgive, it is indeed a sad day for both; one must live with guilt, and the other must live with un-forgiveness.  Both are toxic emotions which are destructive.

People are inherently lazy.  Most of us resist change in our lives because it is easier to stay in a situation than to change it. But to refuse to make those changes is to admit you are satisfied with the status quo, or alternatively, you don’t think your marriage is worth saving at all.

Even though you have told your spouse, “I am determined to fix my marriage”, you have to remember, it takes two.  If you are both willing, and work together, you can fix your marriage, bring back the magic and your union will be stronger, more vibrant, and more fulfilling than you ever imagined